Class before Ass: A 12 Step Program

I would like to start this blog off by dedicating it to my dear friend Hannah, the classiest broad I know.
(mantra: class before ass....class...before...ass...)

Becoming a classy person has turned into a 12 Step program for me. It's quite hard. If I could have it my way, I would rank it in the "top 5 hardest things to do" list. Yup, right up there with quitting a smoking/heroin addiction and/or alcoholism. So, let's try this:

Rule #1: Class before Ass...always
Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn for not getting a phone call the day after 'ahem', or nowadays, even an email. We've all been there. When are we going to learn? How do we stop this behavior?


Easy: Don't f*#k them. Be 'that girl'... the one that says 'no'. Trust me, they will not forget that kind of rejection. The calls will come in fierce force, seeing that you have now become their greatest challenge (and in their mind, a possible victory).


Not to mention, you will be able to say that you skipped out on yet another random night of meaningless, bad, drunk sex.

Ex: Dick and Jane
Dick: Hey, you're cool. Wanna f*&k?
Jane: No, but thanks for the invite.
Dick: What? I've fu*&ed every girl at this bar!
Jane: Good for you.
Dick: You don't want to f*&k me?
Jane: No, I don't. But really, thanks for the offer.
*Get up and walk away Jane....
Dick: (Fumbling) Can I call you?
Jane: I'm sure our paths will cross again sometime, Dick.
Dick: Ummm...wait....
Jane: Have a good nite Dick. It was great meeting you.

Congratulations, you just walked away from a potentially "self respect" threatening sitation. Your reward is that you've escaped negative gossip, and the fear of forgetting to ask about any sexually contraced diseases that he may have. Priceless.



Rule #2: Chew your words before swallowing
I choose not to say 'put your foot in your mouth', because that would contradict "Rule # 5 Clean Hands + Clean Feet". Just remember, the things that you choose not to say are more important than the things you do choose to say, in every situation. And on that note, consider the things you say about other people before actually saying them. Would you want them said about you? Are they respectable and admirable commments and/or suggestions?

Ex: Dick and Jane
Dick: I don't like Jack.
Jane: Why not?
Dick: Because he wears those stupid checkered shoes with holes in them, everyday!
Jane: That's a silly thing to not like about someone.
Dick: Do you like Jack?
Jane: I think he's a great artist, and I love to see his artwork.

Good job Jane. Even though we all know that you are not particularly fond of Jack's checkered shoes, you choose to direct the conversation towards Jack's positive traits. He is a good artist, and someday will make so much money, that he'll open a museum just for his checkered shoes. And we both know, Dick will go.

Rule #3: There is a positive in every situation
There truly is a positive in every situation, and you should make it your goal to find it. vWith this said, lest not forget that there is also a negative to every situation. You just choose not to focus on them.


Rule #4: Do you Spit or Swallow?
Either way, a classy woman wouldn't mention this. Shame on you.


Rule #5: Clean Hands + Clean Feet.
You'd be surprised of the effort it takes to keep your hands and feet clean.
Intuition, awareness, and a keene and recongnizable state of alert. The reward is great though. Amidst this effort you avoid; interacting with the bitter and unworthy, stepping on the wrong path and/or in the way, and unwillingly feeling the need to stick your foot in your mouth.

Ex: Dick and Jane
Dick: Hey Jane, did you hear about Jim and Carol last night???
Jane: No
Dick: Jim gave Carol some blow and then they went back to his place and has sex!
Jane: OK. (no emotion Jane...no emotion.)
Dick: Yeah, I heard it from Dave this morning.
Jane: (No response)
Dick: (Puzzled)Don't you even care?
Jane: No.
Dick: Why not?
Jane: It's gossip, and, on top of that, nobody's business but Jim and Carols.


Good job Jane. You've avoided being linked to any negative rhettorical commenting that may get back to Jim and Carol by "stepping" away from the situation.

And by the way, your feet are so clean and pretty...


Rule #6: Shameless Self Promotion is not an option.
With class comes personality, confidence, and more than likely, a strong following. vNo need to make other people aware of your 'greatness'. In fact, this has been known to be a strong repellent, and shows a great lack of self respect.

Ex: Dick and Jane
Dick: Are you going to come see my new band this weekend?
Jane: I'm not sure. What do you guys sound like?
Dick: We are the best!
Jane: What do you sound like though?
Dick: Last week, this huge label rep. was at our show, and we heard that they were going to sign up this year.
Jane: That's cool. What kind of music do you play?
Dick: And I just bought this new guitar, and it cost me sooo much money. But it's definitely a better guitar than Jim's.
Jane: (defeated) Hey, maybe I'll see you there.

Jane obviously isn't going.

Jane was actually interested in Dick's band. But, Dick didn't answer any of her questions in regards to the type of music they played, and chose to promote his band in ways that were less interesting to Jane. Maybe to someone else, but not Jane (Dick needs to take a class on marketing at his local community college.). No kudos for Dick. If he would have answered Jane's question in the first place, that would have been an extra $5 in his pocket from her cover charge.

Rule #7: Your Friends are a Reflection of You.
Choose wisely, my dear.

Rule #8: Don't rely on the "Grass always being greener."
The grass isn't always greener on the other side, and you shouldn't be worried about their grass in the first place. If you spent less time admiring others' grass, and more time focusing on yours, you might someday end up with your own admirable lawn. Maybe even some flowers and shrubs. You'll never find out though staring in every other direction but at your own.

Rule #9: Creativity is your most utilized outlet...Gossip is not.
Go take a watercolor class at the local community college and learn something useful, and by useful, I do not mean the proper spelling of the names of Angelina's and Brad's children. Give people the opportunity to visually see your beauty through creative outlets. All people see when you spurt out useless facts about people that you don't know, is someone who has no self respect, or confidence in their own "going's on".

Rule #10: Common Sense should be worn like a pair of Marc Jacobs Sunglasses...With lots of pride, and class.


Rule #11: A Nice Pair of Shoes does not Mean You're a Shallow Person.
Instead, they are a reflection of your self respect, in the form of a material. There is nothing wrong with this, so long as you aren't relying on them to be the only catalyst for your personality.

Rule #12: All of the Above = Self Respect.
The most precious thing of all.